Beautiful womanan abstract painting of Delta Bedlam

In September 2017, I went out to do a spot of disco dancing. I got dressed up in a pair of red velvet flared trousers, a bright purple string vest, and a Stussy hat. I ventured off to the trendiest of Melbourne’s nightclubs where the doorman quickly parted the rope at the entrance for the most handsome man in town.

I ventured straight onto the dance floor and proceeded to bust out some of the most spectacular dance moves seen for quite some time. Quite a few women threw admiring glances my way (and the occasional pair of women’s knickers). Why they did this, I have no idea.

But then I saw her. Delta Bedlam was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, so I went over to talk to her. Then we danced, and then we had a tasty beverage. Or two. We got on like a house on fire, seemingly fascinated by the other. We were falling in love. After some time, I invited Delta back to my home. When we arrived, Delta had worked herself up into a state of extreme sexual arousal and threw herself at me. I then realized there was a misunderstanding. For me, the essence of true love was not centered on having sex – it was on the making of art.

I disappointed Delta when I asked if I could paint her portrait – balancing on one leg in red gumboots and wearing a bright red bikini while holding up a basketball.

Bert Ernie